The Red Notebook
by Klutzy Stone Heart
Summary: This is a one, maybe two shot of the far future from my other work, A New Story. Read if you want, but if you do, good for you.


One shot. Based on the same world as A New Story, just in the future. Also might include spoilers so read if you want, it's just a quick thing, might be a two-shot.

Imma just show some of the things I wrote, and hope y'all like it.

 **Also, trigger warning I think.**

I was going through some of my old stuff. Charlie had died a while ago, and left the house in my name. I know he thought I didn't want it, but it was a reminder of the start of my new beginning. I was going through my old school backpack when I see my red notebook. I look over it fondly, this was the thing that kept me grounded, along with Sierra. Gods, I miss her. She was my anchor to this world, but before her this notebook was the thing keeping me sane. I just know that no one can see this, especially not Rosalie. She would freak if she saw some of the stuff in this. I can't decide what to do with it, it was, is, so special to me. But some of the stuff in here, no one ever needs to see.

I flip to my favorite poem I wrote, it was called What I Need. It was about how no one noticed when I started to recede into myself, how I needed one person to notice any of the things I showed.

This is it:

 **What I Need**

 **What I need is someone to care,**

 **Someone to notice,**

 **Someone to help.**

 **I just need you to see.**

 **Maybe you could help me.**

 **I don't know.**

 **I just need you to see.**

 **Not the whole picture,**

 **Just what was in front of you all this time.**

 **I try for your attention**

 **But you never notice.**

 **You don't know how much that hurts.**

 **I could die and you wouldn't notice for days.**

 **I just need you to notice.**

 **Notice the scars**

 **The pain in my eyes**

 **The loneliness emanating from me.**

 **I just need some help,**

 **So this is my cry for help.**

 **I need you to see.**

I know no one noticed. This notebook is such a big thing for me. As I was starting to flip to the next one, I hear someone running up to Charlie's house. I quickly put my notebook away and hope that whoever is coming doesn't ask anything too hard. I'm feeling very emotional right now. I hear their footsteps coming up the stairs, and walk towards my room. I continue to look throat more of my other stuff when I hear a throat being cleared. I look up and see Victoria. I smile and run up to her. "Why are you here?" I ask. "You were taking forever and I was getting impatient. I decided to come check up on you" she says, then pulls me into a hug. I hug her back and then go back to sorting through my stuff. She asks if she can help, and I of course say yes. I was going through my closet, completely forgetting I didn't hide my old backpack. I hear Victoria gasp, so I turn around, only to see her with my red notebook out. I knew she had read some of it, based on her expression. She looked at me with such heartbreak and horror, I knew I couldn't get out of this.

"Did you really feel like this Bells?" She asks.

I look down and nod. I know she will be so disappointed in me. But before that happens, I want to show her one of the things I wrote that I was proud of. It was about my best friend at the time it was written. It was about Victoria, before she left me. After I saw her again, our relationship hasn't been as strong as before. This poem reminds me of how much I missed her when she left, and I want to show her how much she meant, means, to me.

I hold my hand out for my notebook, and she gives it to me. I smile sadly and then say "I wanna show you something" She looks curious as I flip through the notebook. I turn to the poem titled **My Best Friend.** I then show her the page.

 **My Best Friend**

 **Ya know,  
You're my best friend  
And I love you  
Not in a romantic way.  
You make me smile a bit more  
You make me laugh when I need it.  
You help me when I'm down  
Even if you don't know  
You never fail to make me smile,  
For that  
I'm eternally grateful.  
From when try to show off  
To when you drag me around to "play"  
Or when we "fight"  
To when we run around like idiots.  
You never fail to help me.  
From the first "I hate you"  
To the last "you're my best friend"  
You have always been there for me.  
Thank you**

I look up to see Victoria crying. I guess she likes it? She looks towards me and says "That was beautiful. Who was it about?" I respond with "You". She breaks down in sobs. Me being me, oblivious as crap, I ask "What's wrong" She responds with "It was just so beautiful, and you had so much faith in me, I ruined the relationship we had". "No you didn't, we were doomed from the start. I'm just glad I found you again" I said. "Yeah. Me too" She says. "But maybe we should show some of these to Rosalie". That instantly dampened my mood. I knew I had to tell her about how I used to feel, it's just I CAN'T. I tried so hard to bury that part of myself, and this journal would bring that back. I can feel a cold hand on my cheek. I know its Victoria wondering if I'm okay. I put on my fake smile, the one I used for years when I lived with Renee. "I'm fine" I say. She just looks at me skeptically, and I know she is going to push this subject. "What happened there Bella?" she asks. "Nothing" I reply. She just nods then says "I'm showing this to Rosalie. She needs to know how far gone you were" I freeze, the try to get the notebook back. She shouldn't know the things I used to feel, she shouldn't know the things I used to do. She just can't. Victoria being a vampire, easily beat me. She looked at me sadly and then picked me up and threw me over her shoulder. I was pissed, but knew I could do nothing about it, from experience. I just huff and let her bring me to wherever she wants to bring me. I close my eyes when I figure out she was going to use her vamp speed. Once she stopped, I open my eyes and see that we are in front of the Cullen household. Rosalie comes out looking worried, probably wondering what I was doing. Victoria sets me down, and throws the book to Rosalie. I internally cringe, that is MINE, and shouldn't be disrespected like that, but I don't say anything. Rosalie looks confused before she recognized it. She looks at Victoria and asks "Why do you have this? This is Bella's". "Just read some of what is in there Rose, then you will know why I wanted you to see" Victoria says. "NO!" I yell. She can't see what in there. She just can't. Rosalie looks up at me, from reading something. She looks like she is about to burst into tears. "What happened?" she questions. "Life" I reply sadly, knowing she won't get the real meaning. She motions for us to go in, knowing I was getting uncomfortable standing outside. She says "Everyone besides Vic, out of the house. NOW" I know everyone else vacated the building, now I couldn't get out of this inquisition.

I look towards Rosalie and say "You weren't supposed to ever see any of that" "I know" she replies. "But how did you get this Vic?" she directs towards Victoria. "Bella was taking so long in emptying her room I thought I might go and help, as I was helping I saw her old backpack. I went through it and saw the notebook she freaked out over the first time I invited her over. I wanted to see inside it, and I came across some… concerning things" Victoria says. I just look down in anger. I don't go through their stuff, why did Victoria go through something she knew I would freak out over? Every one of the Cullen's know how much I like my privacy. Why would they invade it now? After my whole blow up about the eating thing years ago, they should have known. Rosalie can tell I'm getting angry, so she asks a question I know she wants to know the answer to before I explode. "Do you really feel like this?" she asks, voice cracking a bit. I look up and see her tearing up, but I've had enough. I rip my notebook from her hands and say "Why can't you just respect my privacy? I respect yours so why can't you in return? This was so long ago, why does this even matter anymore? I have felt many things over the years, why do people always focus on the darker things in my writing? And to answer your question, yes. Yes I did want to cut myself to help with the pain. Yes I was suicidal. Yes I hurt myself doing the impossible. Is that enough for you? Is that enough for you to just leave me alone?" I yell, knowing it would shut them up. I then run out of the house, in the same fashion as the first time I was there. I get to my house and just scream. In anger, in pain, in agony. I couldn't stand this anymore. I automatically go to my bathroom and take out something I haven't used in years. My blade, I twirl it around, trying to decipher my feelings. I turn to the page I know is the one Rosalie saw. I look at it with disgust at what I used to feel.

 **Cuts  
Even if I don't acknowledge it,  
It's always there,  
Waiting…  
The need burns within,  
My demons are screaming for me it  
My mind is craving it.  
The feel of a blade on my skin  
The sting of cutting myself open,  
The rush I feel when I see the ruby red blood  
I NEED to feel all these things  
Even if I don't know I need it,  
They keep telling me.  
Cut.  
They chant.  
Spill your blood,  
You deserve it for not being enough,  
I've become addicted to the feeling  
The feeling of something other than  
Self-hated  
Anger or  
Sadness  
I could finally feel somethings else,  
Pain.  
I could physically feel my demons dripping out of me  
I could feel the relief of my emotions  
I could feel free,  
Even if it's just for a moment,  
It helps  
Cutting helps me accomplish this  
I am always weighed down by my problems,  
I've finally found a way to…  
Just let go for a moment  
**I could see why it was alarming, but they didn't have to freak out. I probably overreacted, nut damn it. I have reason to, my Father just died. I was about to put the blade to my wrist when I see the door breaking open with a terrified Rosalie on the other side.

 **Yes! A cliffhanger. I'll update in a week or two. Sorry. Also, this isn't set in stone. This can always change, but I kinda like this idea. I wrote this in place of the chapter that was supposed to come out today. Oh well, I hope you like it, comment or whatever cuz I want to know y'alls reactions.**

 **Anyways, thanks for reading! I hope you liked it!**

 **-Klutzy Stone Heart**


End file.
